Im not so sure

 

This is my struggle. Everyday closer to that self sustainable goal that I seek. Its a lot like walking on the beach. Seeing that pillar that you are trying to make it too, and every step dosen't really seem to get you any closer at least not for awhile.  You get tired cause the sand is at an angle and too soft to step lightly. So you trudge on. I know that I will get there and that is the only thing that is keeping me going at this point. So I tell myself. I say myself cause I know that I'm the only one that is listening.

Facebook keeps people busy. I've been outta the loop so long... laid low for too long that now every conversation feels forced. I know that no one really cares... well I shouldnt be so bold, not no one...just the grand majority does not care. I dont feel that I really have many friends anymore. This alienation has rooted out the true amistades that I have. I knew who they were to begin with, it was more of a reafformation.

I get to go to these sweet meetings every week now...( i hope you can sense my sarcasm) Only 9 more to go. it gives me the opportunity to just draw for an hour and some change. Which is good. I need some time to just let my mind wander. I have been stuck in this mode that just wont shut off... its a blessing and a curse. The motivation is great... but it is such an overwhelming sense of drive that if im not working on something I instantly feel like every second is a waste of time effort and breath. Every moment should be for creativity, I wish I would've found that when I was in school. But I guess better late than never. Right? Im not so sure. It hurts in a way. My need to work takes over every second of my day. It makes me hate the world around me...sorta...hate is too strong a word. I just want to make something worthwhile and lasting. I want to make more than just an impression. I want to make something different and beautiful, meaningful. But its hard... so much responsibility and a lack of caring on other peoples part. There is this feigned resistance that i feel from the world around me, and its surprisingly hard to overcome. The resistance against me is greater than my forced in contrast. I am glued. Unable to move forward. I want so much to just make it. But maybe i dont even know what "it" is. I think I do, I feel that I have the tools and the know-how. But the external elements have not aligned themselves properly yet. I want to force it. But I dont think thats how this works. Simplicity is the key. The best Idea is the most uncomplicated solution.

This rant is at a close.

So long, till we meet again. Au revoir!

-Jerry